Official Incident Archive

    

A Candy District incident involving edible architecture, excessive welcome behavior, oven-adjacent danger, and emotional difficulty leaving after snacks.

Musical Documentation

This incident (music) is available on several platforms.

Listen on Spotify

Go to lyrics


Supporting visual record from the archive

Record 1 / 2

The Candy House Hospitality Incident

Affected citizens

Record 1 / 3

Citizen Record

Gretta Crumb

Citizen File

Incident Timeline: Escalation Chronology

Phase 1

Edible House Discovery
Visitors encountered a residence constructed from highly snackable materials and made questionable entry decisions.

Phase 2

Hospitality Escalation
Madame Molasses initiated increasingly warm, sweet, and emotionally binding guest protocols.

Phase 3

Oven Proximity Concern
Hospitality conditions became unsafe after meal preparation equipment entered the emotional negotiation.

Phase 4

Escape Through Dessert Logic
Gretta and Hans identified that politeness alone was insufficient and began tactical pastry resistance.

Public Safety Recommendations

  • Do not enter houses that are also desserts.
  • Excessive warmth should be evaluated as a possible containment strategy.
  • Never stand too close to an oven during unresolved hospitality disputes.

Involved districts

Record 1 / 1

District Record

The Candy District

District File

Lyrics

Toss That Witch a Muffin Oh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh Oh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh Oh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh Why’s your cottage made of licorice and cream? Your candy windows look suspiciously extreme That oven in the corner’s not as cozy as it seems Oh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh You got gumdrop buttons and a peppermint moat A gingerbread crow and a caramel goat Why you measuring children like a winter coat? Oh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh And before that witch cooks my brother Toss that witch a muffin Toss that witch And before she bastes him up with butter Toss that witch a muffin Toss that witch Toss that witch (muffin) Nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom Nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom Nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom Nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom Muffin Your tiny cage is kinda rude, if I may say You keep on poking Hansel every other day “Too skinny still,” you sigh and sadly walk away Oh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh You boil some syrup in a bucket by the fire Your cookbook says that children are acquired “Free-range siblings always taste a little higher” Oh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh And before that witch cooks my brother Toss that witch a muffin Toss that witch And before she turns him into supper Toss that witch a muffin Toss that witch (Somebody distract her, nom-nom) Someone Toss that witch a muffin Nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom Nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom Someone Toss that witch a muffin Nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom Nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom Someone Toss that witch a muffin Nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom Nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom Someone Toss that witch a muffin Nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom Nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom Blueberry Choco-chip-chip-chip Blue-Blueberry Choco-chip-chip-chip And before that witch cooks my brother Toss that witch a muffin Toss that witch (Somebody lock that oven, nom-nom) Someone Toss that witch a muffin Why’s your cottage made of licorice and cream? That oven in the corner’s not as cozy as it seems Your candy mortgage must be absolutely obscene